fraidy the felon

Thank God the three strikes rule of law didn't take effect until a few years ago, or I would be in jail for the following grievious errors. I can't remember exactly the timeline they occurred in, and it doesn't really matter, I am a lawbreaker! Previous to this the only offense on my record is a parking ticket some 25 years ago.

Now Hank bein a depooty surenuff and all, knew the laws and ordinances of this fine city. I don't know if the guy spent the time between walking perps to court reading the municipal code book or what- but he knows when he is legally allowed to start up power equipment (7 a.m.) as well as the finer points. And he must have shared these little gems with his wife because....

Case #1 It's 4:30 p.m. - do you know where your trash is?
Monday night is garbage night in our hood, except when us civil servants have a holiday on Monday, then it's delayed to Tuesday. Well, with my schedule I work every other holiday, so sometimes I forget. So I get off work at 4, come home and start lugging the cans to the curb. About this time, Hank's wife is going to her car to get something and oh so not politely shouts " Trash night is tomorrow, and besides the cans aren't supposed to go out until after 5." I muttered back "Okay thanks" and walked into the house. As I turned to go in I noticed quite a few of my neighbors had forgotten the holiday rule, so I left the cans out. I never quite understood why I couldn't put my trash out until 5, especially since I usually only have one or two cans and I never block the sidewalk. Do the rats and raccons around here wear watches? I wonder if it's like that Warner Brother's cartoon with the sheepdog (I think his name was Ralph) punches the time clock then sits down to watch the flock. I imagine some giant rat kissing his bucktoothed rat-wife goodbye and grabbing his empty lunch bucket to go off raiding the garbage cans. "Bye Alice, I'm off to work now" To which rat-wife would reply "George I think the house at 8453 had a cookout this week, see if you can find something nice, I kinda feel like steak bones tonight. Oh and don't foget we're out of formula so stop by the cans at the house where they just had that baby."
Incident #2- Breaking down the door
One afternoon, my hubby and I decided to meet up at a bar I used to work at. (yeah the same place I got my parking ticket, by coincidence)After a few, I walked to my car, and he finished his drink and went to his car. I arrived home safe and sound, and after an hour when he didn't show, I started to wonder what the hell happened to him. I went upstairs to use the bathroom, when he started pounding on the front door for me to let him in and I heard a piece of glass break. Well being that my pants were around my ankles at the time, I couldn't exactly rush to the door, so he shouted again to let him. I ran downstairs opened the door , and asked what the hell happened. He had been carjacked aand robbed at knifepoint on the way to his truck and was forced to drive the punk to the worst part of town. When he dropped the guy off, he was surrounded by 6 of this guy's buddies and he thought he was going to be killed, so he revved his truck up onto the sidewalk, almost running them over, and made his escape. When he got home, he was shaking so bad, he couldn't get his key in the lock and instead hit a pane of glass with the tip of the key, breaking it. Being upset and not realizing I was on the pot, he shouted for me to open the door. After we both calmed down a bit, the 2 biggest of our city's finest knocked on our door. Seems the Hills were damn certain we were going at it, and hubby was gonna kill me or something. I appreciate the concern guys, but if my old man gets that mad where I fell my mortality is threatened, you will see my ass running out the door, then you can call the police. One officer stayed in the house to watch my non-wife beating hubby, while the other took me out on the porch to talk about what happened. When I told him, I was kind of upset because he didn't seem at all concerned about my husband almost being killed, and just said well, the neighbors called because they heard shouting over here, have a nice day. Yeah right, my husband gets carjacked, then the police come to our house, what a nice pleasant evening.

The final strike......
In 2001, I bought a Blazer, but kept my old Dodge Shadow as a backup car. It had a rear tire that always leaked air, the CV joints were going out, and it was a rust bucket, but it was paid for and was there if I needed to put the Blazer in the shop. To make life easier and not have to play musical cars, I usually kept it parked in front of my house on the street. Every few days I would start it up and drive around the block, just in case the cops had marked the tires. (I don't know all the laws like Hank, but I do know it's illegal to keep your car parked in one place too long)
One morning, I was going to get something out of the Dodge when I noticed the driver's side door had been bent open at the top. Someone was trying to steal it. The other 2 vehicles were in the driveway, so the hubby pulled the Shadow into our front yard while we drove them out on the street so we could put the Shadow in the back of the driveway. I swear it wasn't ther but five minutes when the police showed up and told us we had to move it right then, because it's illegal to put your car in the front yard. Seems old Hank called the cops yet again. I explained to the police officer why the car was in the front yard, but they didn't care, it had to move. Well, the hubby's truck wouldn't start, and we put the battery charger on it for the night. The Dodge went back out into the street for the night. That was the last I saw of ole Betsy, she was gone the next morning when I got up. Someone had stolen her, flat tire, bad CV joints near empty gas tank and all.

NEXT.... sunhine,lollipops and rainbows